


15x04 Coda

by xxenjoy



Series: Codas [12]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: 15x04, Canon verse, Coda, Gen, Implied Destiel - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-12
Updated: 2019-11-12
Packaged: 2021-01-29 01:41:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 533
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21402076
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xxenjoy/pseuds/xxenjoy
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Series: Codas [12]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1214562
Kudos: 43





	15x04 Coda

_“And you’d know that you’d do anything. You’d die for them.”_

He thinks about that all night. Even as the machete swings, he's thinking about what he would have done to prevent what happened to Jack, had he known. Sam too. There's not a doubt in his mind that they would have fought tooth and nail to keep it from going down the way it did. 

Every time he thinks about it though, there's something missing. He's been avoiding thinking about it, but even after a couple of days the thought nags at him. The problem is, when he thinks too much about it, when he focuses on the details, he starts to think that maybe he gets why Cas did what he did. He starts to think that maybe _he_ was the one who was wrong and that maybe less of this is Cas' fault than he's been putting on him. Not that any of that matters at this point.

On the third night since Beaverton, he dreams about Cas. He dreams of that night however many months ago when he found out about Jack and that stupid fucking snake. _God_, his life really is just one shitty event after another. 

He lies awake after that and for the first time in days, he lets himself wonder what Cas is doing. He doesn't even know where he is, just that Cas is pissed at him and, apparently, is losing his powers. Even if Dean were to pray to him now, he probably wouldn't hear him, so all he has to go on is his imagination. 

He wants to reach out, just to have the chance to talk to Cas about it, but he wasted that opportunity when he had it and now he's paying the price. He can't turn to Sam because Sam still doesn't know the truth about Cas leaving - another thing he's going to have to confront sooner or later. Not knowing what else to do with himself, he shuts his eyes. All he can do is hope. 

"_Hey_," he whispers, "if you're out there, if you can hear me... I-" he falters, not knowing what he actually wants to say, _I want to talk. I need you. I miss you_. "I think I get it," he says finally. He doesn't clarify because he doesn't think he's even getting through to him and he sighs. 

There's nothing. Cas can't come and go like he used to, but Dean knows he'd feel it if Cas could hear him. He's an idiot for even considering that Cas would care anymore. He left on his own, no one forced him. Not even Chuck is in control now so if he can hear him, Cas has no good reason to respond to him, never mind come back. 

Sam's still clueless. Dean fed him some bullshit about a case Cas wanted to look into, but eventually he's going to find out the truth. Cas left because of _him_. Not because of Sam or Rowena or any other number of people. They need anyone they can rust right now and it's Dean's fault that their best friend is gone. And all of it is for nothing.


End file.
